Humour
After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred notices a
photo of a man on her bedside table.
At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never
mentioned it, so why should he?
But after a month or so he begins to stress about it; even imagining
the photo is staring at him doing the deed.
It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides ask about it.
"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery"
George Carlin's View on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to
get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old,
you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never
thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!
That's the key.
to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey,
you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . .
You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU
BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you
sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's
no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's
changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put
on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you
REACH 50
And your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a
day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT
lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end
there. Into the 90's, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you
become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and
"them!"
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts,
gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is
the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only
person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE
while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family,
pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is
your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is
unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get
help.
9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the
next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the
moments that take our breath away.
A young man moved into a new apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady wearing a bath robe came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes. The young man smiled at her and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor guy broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, shrugging her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "Why my ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my body is firm and solid. Look at my skin, no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."
